my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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