i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
