Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
