So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize