The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
