Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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