Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
