FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
