Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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