Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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