Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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