Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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