return my video game
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
