I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
