A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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