Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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