rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
