...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
