So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
