this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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