How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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