you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
