Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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