I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm passing your future prison.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
