Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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