worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
