because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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