Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
