I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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