My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize