Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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