New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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