i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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