Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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