Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
