Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize