There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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