my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
