I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
