you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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