One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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