the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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