if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
