Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
