I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize