If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
