you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Green mimosas i think yes
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
