if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
