my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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