Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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