so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
