it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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