The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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