She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
