he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
