I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize