A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
