You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
