Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
