Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize