So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
