Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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